Because we can’t go a day anymore without someone trying to get Barack Obama‘s attention via the We the People page on the White House website, a new petition has just emerged requesting that the president officially change the national anthem of the United States of America to R. Kelly‘s seminal classic “Ignition (Remix).”
We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.
Although we don’t think this is the best way to go for the US, the idea of crafting a petition to change the national anthems of some other countries around the world to this R. Kelly jam is highly intriguing.
After 10 minutes of grueling research we discovered that many nations celebrate themselves with imagery of heads being blown off and enemies being trampled to death, as opposed to cheap double entendres referencing where one would like to put one’s key in order to have a good time. Below we selected three countries whose national songs could use an R. Kelly remix to make them a little less violent and a whole lot more fun to have sex to (if you’ve never heard the jam in question, hide your shame and culture yourself here before reading on):
“Tien Quan Ca”/”Army March”
Sketchiest Lyric: “For too long have we swallowed our hatred. Be ready for all sacrifices.”
Suggested R. Kelly Remix: “Now I’m not trying to be rude, but hey, pretty girl – I’m feeling you. The way you do the things you do reminds me of my Lexus coup.”
“İstiklal Marşı/Independence March”
Sketchiest Lyric: ”For only then, shall my fatigued tombstone, if there is one, prostrate a thousand times in ecstasy, and tears of fiery blood shall flow out of my every wound, and my lifeless body shall gush out from the earth like an eternal spirit.”
Suggested R. Kelly Remix: “Now it’s like murder she wrote once I get you out them clothes. Privacy is on the door, still they hear you screaming ‘more!’”
Sketchiest Lyric: ”No freedom’s flowers return, from the spilt blood of the dead, and the tears of slavery burn, which the eyes of orphans shed.”
Suggested R. Kelly Remix: “Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. Bounce bounce bounce.”