I’ve come to love short trips into the wilderness, probably because I’m stuck in this goddamn concrete jungle for 85% of the year. When my dad would take me on camping trips in Northern Michigan as a child, however, I dreaded leaving civilization. I was one of those kids who preferred reading a book to getting dirty (or, heaven forbid, hurt in any way, shape or form), so being forced to rough it for a week was something akin to the fourth circle of Hell.
Our little wilderness adventures were nothing compared to the trip US Senator Jeff Flake (R-AZ) just took his two sons on, though. For starters, my dad didn’t really succeed in making a man out of me (I’m still afraid of getting minor cuts and bruises). Furthermore, despite feeling like I was in constant peril of succumbing to the elements, we had comforts like food, shelter, and fresh water.
This past Memorial Day weekend, Flake took his 13- and 15-year-old sons to a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean called Biggarenn. And they really roughed it. The only items they packed were hammocks, snorkel gear, a spear, a hatchet, a desalinator, a magnifying glass to make fires, and a satellite phone that Flake’s wife made him bring. For four days, the three hardened bros swam in shark infested waters to catch fish, ate coconuts off the ground, and spent hours desalinating sea water. And you know what? It looks like they had a blast:
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I’m still convinced that this was some sort of crazy right-wing trial run for the End of Days, or that Flake was in a gay panic over the latest Boy Scout news and decided to teach his sons survival skills himself. Regardless of his intentions, I could see this type of vacation being fun – for exactly four days. After that, get my ass on a boat and take me to the nearest bar.