You look like you haven’t seen enough crazy shit today. Allow us to change that for you.
A team of amateur explorers just returned from the North Pole after a 9 day trek to claim the area in the name of humanity, because YOLO. The mission, which was a joint effort by Greenpeace, SaveTheArctic.org, and Green.TV (because it all had to be filmed and promoted, obvi), was put in place to bring further awareness to the effects of global warming on the ice caps and establish the region around the North Pole as a sanctuary for all of mankind.
Our reasons for why this is crazy are as follows:
- There was no official decree for the creation of a “sanctuary” in the area, meaning that the whole thing was done in the name of hippiedom. The stinky white dude with dreads who thought this up is probably serving himself a celebratory bong rip right now.
- One of the “amateur explorers” is Ezra Miller, the don’t-put-me-in-a-box actor famous for playing a murderous, psychotic teen in the fabulous We Need To Talk About Kevin and a gay, psychotic teen in the dreadful Perks of Being a Wallflower. Whereas the other three adventurers are on the journey because their home countries are on the brink of destruction from global warming, Ezra is just there because he’s an “actor, musician, and storyteller.” Naturally.
- Besides claiming the North Pole as a protected area or whatever, the entire goal of the mission is to drop a time capsule containing the names of almost 3 million supporters of the project through the ice and down to the seabed 4 kilometers below. Because the best place for a time capsule dedicated to stopping the melting of the polar ice caps is in a place that will only be reached again if the polar ice caps melt. Again with the hippie logic.
- The aforementioned capsule is adorned with a “flag for the future” that was, as the narrator of the following video emphatically announces, designed by a 13-year-old girl and looks like it was made using a Lisa Frank stencil kit.
Of course, deep down in this pointless promotional tool for Greenpeace are little gold nuggets of good intentions, and it would be nice if the polar ice caps stayed frosty and none of us had to drown. But seriously — a time capsule?
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