Cinco de Mayo is this weekend, which means you’re probably pulling your sombrero out of storage and giving your liver a pep talk as we speak. That’s all fine and dandy, but you should know something: Cinco de Mayo is about as Mexican as the Chili’s-2-Go at your local airport. In reality, the 5th of May only holds significance in a tiny area of Mexico; if you opened a history book you’d learn that it’s actually an American holiday. Judging by the sombrero in your hand, you already know how much we love cultural appropriation.
There is a way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo without flaunting your casual racism, however. If you simply accept the fact that the day is of more cultural importance to the American Southwest than it is to the people of Mexico, you can (kind of) sidestep the whole touchy subject and just enjoy this highlight on the Tex-Mex social calendar. Or better yet: forgo public acknowledgement of Cinco de Mayo and just stay inside all day eating “Mexican” food and drinking yourself stupid.
Sound like a plan? Great. Go hit up the “International” aisle at your local grocery store and stock up on the tequila of your choice, because this Cinco de Mayo food (and drink) guide will help your gringo belly feel like it’s on a day trip to the dusty part of Texas that sired nachos.
Skillet-Poached Huevos Rancheros
Nothing says Tex-Mex like a giant crispy tortilla covered with beans, eggs, and cheese. This recipe is even more ooey gooey than most, which will be helpful if you enjoyed yourself a little too much on Cinco de Mayo Eve.
Drink Pairing: Michelada, because it’s a less alcoholic cousin to Bloody Mary – and this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Bacon-Wrapped Sonoran Hot Dogs
These spicy jumbo dogs are known as salchicas rojas near the Mexican border, but us ‘Murricans like to refer to them as Sonoran hot dogs. Hell, you should just take it to the next level and refer to your midday treat as Freedom Burrito.
Drink Pairing: 2 six packs of Coronas, because drinking any fewer than twelve Coronas on Cinco de Mayo is just negligent.
This is a burrito that has been deep fried, which means it’s the most Americanized piece of Mexican cuisine that you can make. Be sure to remember the Alamo when you take your first bite, even though the Alamo is in no way related to Cinco de Mayo. You’re channeling Texas, after all – you’re allowed to rewrite history a little bit.
Drink Pairing: An entire bottle of Skinny Girl Margaritas, because you’re eating a deep fried burrito for chrissakes.
Tres Leches Cake
Go to Walmart. Purchase a white sheet cake. Pour whole milk, condensed milk, and heavy cream over said cake. And there you have it: “three milk” cake. Or you could follow this recipe, which will probably taste better but will surely be hard to follow once you’re half in the bolsa.
Drink Pairing: Mexican horchata with a heavy splash of bourbon. Because why not?